Intimacy without Sacrfice
Everyone in their young 20s seems to want love, intimacy, and sex without the actual sacrifices that come from real love and companionship. We want closeness and bonds, yet fear the rejection or sadness that comes from the risk of opening our heart so wide. We want sex or attention, yet we don’t know how to speak up in the bedroom or communicate that casual sex has become tiring, like a long sport on a hot summer day we’ve had enough, and we long for a real connection. A heart can only be opened so many times before it begins to slowly close, locking itself away, gathering dust and cobwebs. Then one day, someone comes along and you have to choose to go back to that locked away place, where the rust has started to devour the flesh. You must choose to open up the pumping heart, full of blood, ready to burst again. You have to choose that this person is worth getting to know, that they may lead to disappointment or sadness, but as I always say - I would rather have disappointment from falsely trusting than never trusting at all. I would rather have a hurt aching heart from effort than to never feel a blood vessel pop inside my heart again.
In this world of dating, we become impatient and we move on before we give someone the time, one of the biggest sacrifices of all. We let our fear of hurt stop us, or see their true intentions after the love bombing or false promises wear off, or perhaps you see that they will actually understand you and respect you, that you are possibly compatible with each other. But once again, the only way to know this is through time. Time is something we have become greedy with. You are not supposed to know if someone is right for you after three dates, and you aren’t supposed to know if they will fit into your life and who you want to be after having sex once. These things take time to understand, and rather than allowing the time to brew, we jump to write off a relationship as “casual” or we begin dating within two weeks only to find out they are a narcissist with a drug problem. To all the heartbreak in the world, all the romantics and over analyzers, please just slow down, take a moment to ask yourself if they are right for you rather than trying to be right for them. Allow yourself the time, and remember that you do not truly know someone until you give them the chance to show you. It’s simple really, but of course it’s not, because when giving yourself to someone you are becoming vulnerable, raw, and open. These feelings are a woman's weakness and they cause confusion and too many tears over the wrong men. But instead of allowing a man to get you so vulnerable to the point that you romanticize their wrong doings or that you lose sight of what you truly need in a partner, take back the power by simply breathing and taking a step back. Ask yourself if this person fits for you and hold onto the power of staying true to the real you - not what the sex, love, or affection is telling you. Maybe you get hurt, you become disappointed and angry, but I believe the more you go through this the closer you are to the person who is right for you.
The right person is worth being challenged for. They will show you who they are, and you won’t have to worry. Challenge yourself to be uncomfortable, reflect rather than retreat in these moments. Ask yourself about your intentions and theirs, listen when they say something you may not want to hear. True intuition and anxious thoughts will arise, so ask yourself “What Am I willing to lose?” And more importantly, what are they willing to sacrifice?
What are their intentions? Do they follow through after the date? Do they show up when they say they will? Will they bring you soup when you are sick? Do they speak to their parents? This is a real relationship, this is what all the pain and heartbreak is worth.
